I Resolve
By Kevin Somers

Another year has roared and died
And my soft spots are more amplified

A new one is, of course, right here
So, it’s time for Resolutions
And their promise of solutions
While bringing in the year

I resolve my resolutions won’t be, again, insincere
I resolve things will be different this year

I resolve to drop a pound or ten
I’ve resolved this before and will, likely, again

I resolve to eat better and exercise
I resolve to order salad instead of fries…
Wait
I take that back
I resolve to tell fewer outrageous lies

I resolve to cut back on drinking…
I take that back, too
What was I thinking?

I would resolve to be a better husband, but I don’t think I can
She’s a lucky lady and, as Homer said, “I’m a wonderful man”

I’d resolve to be a better dad, but now I needn’t bother
Instead, I bought the t-shirt: World’s Greatest Father

I resolve to spend more time on the couch, with flicker in my hand
Flicking through the channels
The world at my command

With God as my witness
I resolve to put Goldman Sachs out of business

I resolve to make America great
Again, I resolve to titillate

I resolve I’ll stabilize housing prices
I resolve to fix the hydro crisis
I resolve I’ll slow Hamilton’s traffic:
Highways and death traps, where carnage is graphic

I resolve to win the lottery
Financial freedom sounds good to me

I resolve I will no longer dream
Instead, I resolve to plot, hatch, fantasize, and scheme

I resolve to be short and sweet
I resolve to be fast and neat
I resolve to be discrete

There’s a long list of resolutions and I can’t disavow
There’s much, much more to resolve, somehow
Yet, I’ve resolved to end this soon
It’s another problem I’ll solve
I resolve